Joeli Link: Surprise! The Second Baby
Joeli shares her advice for moms-to-be, provides tips for those juggling a baby and a toddler and offers comforting words for pregnancy loss.
Joeli Link struggled with fertility for two years. Not long after she and her husband Benji were married, they found out that pregnancy would be a challenge. “Undiagnosed infertility,” she said. “No reason why. Apparently, I just didn’t have enough eggs left.”
She spent two years going through in vitro fertilization, working with a fertility clinic in Memphis before she got pregnant. At that point, she switched her care to Dr. William Henderson at Oxford Clinic for Women, who followed her through the rest of her pregnancy and childbirth. On February 18, 2021, during an intense ice storm, Joeli gave birth to her first child, Asher.
“At your six-week follow-up after having a baby, Dr. Henderson discusses birth control. I told him, ‘Well, Dr. Henderson, I don’t need birth control. I’m infertile, remember?’ And he said, ‘Stranger things have happened, Joeli.’
Six months later,” she said, stopping to laugh, “I showed up at the clinic again, and I was pregnant, naturally. I had just gotten pregnant.”
Joeli had taken a pregnancy test as a joke while she and her husband were on a vacation in Georgia. It was the first time they had ever left their son with his grandparents. “I told my husband, ‘You know, I was really dizzy the other day. I haven’t been dizzy since my last pregnancy.’”
So, she took a test — and it was positive.
The whole pregnancy, Joeli felt like she was in shock. She was excited, but at the same time, she couldn’t believe she was pregnant.
“I was 40 years old,” she said. “I had this guilty feeling that I hadn’t been a mom long enough to Asher, and now his world was going to be rocked.”
But in 2022, on a summer day in June, Joeli and her husband welcomed a baby girl named Quinn.
Dealing with Pregnancy Loss
Like many women, Joeli had a miscarriage before she gave birth to her son. Because of that, she had trouble relaxing during both of her pregnancies. “I did enjoy being pregnant, but I guess I was expecting to miscarry the whole time. I always hated that. I look back and think, ‘I wish I could have relaxed and enjoyed it.’”
It’s estimated that 1 in 8 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, though the number is likely higher. Many more miscarriages happen before someone even knows that they’re pregnant.
“People can be embarrassed to talk about it, so I’ve always been very open about my fertility struggles,” Joeli said. “You feel like your basic function as a woman is to grow up and have children, but it’s just not that simple for everybody. That’s okay.”
Her advice to women suffering a miscarriage is to talk about it. “The worst thing to do is to keep it in. Talk and mourn the loss. It’s a loss no matter if you’re 2 weeks pregnant or 10 weeks pregnant. It’s a loss. It’s okay to feel that.”
Pregnancy and Prenatal Care
While she was pregnant with her second child, Joeli worked as a Family/ER Nurse Practitioner. All the while, she was balancing working, being pregnant and being a mom. She laughed as she remembered what that was like, saying, “I feel like I’m still delirious from it all!”
Like with her first, Joeli had gestational diabetes during her second pregnancy. “With that, it can be kind of scary to think about what could happen, but Dr. Henderson was very encouraging. He told me what to do to help me through that.”
At the beginning, she would see Dr. Henderson every month, then every two weeks, then every week. “He listened to me. He really did,” she said. “He was on top of things, too. It made the hard things easier.”
The highlight of her second pregnancy was finding out she was going to give birth to a little girl.
“Once we found out the gender, it became really real. We could put a name to our baby,” she shared. “It just made it more special.”
Childbirth at Baptist Memorial
Years ago, Joeli watched Knocked Up, a 2007 rom-com about a one-night stand that results in a surprise pregnancy and graphic birth. “It scarred me so badly,” she laughed. She refused to scare herself more with books or videos about childbirth.
“I just told people, ‘Don’t tell me about your labor story. I just need to experience it myself,’” she said, adding, “There’s always someone with a horrific story that will make you even more nervous than you’re going to be.”
When she went to the hospital for her first child, she ended up having a c-section. Though she was disappointed, what mattered was her baby. “Any way your child gets here is the perfect way.”
It’s typical for those who have a history of c-sections to need them again with future children. This was the case for Joeli. It helped, though, to know she was in good hands.
“They have a great staff on the labor and delivery floor of the hospital: the best nurses, the best anesthetists, the best doctors. I enjoyed the labor part of it all,” she shared. “I know that’s weird, but everyone was so calming, and no matter what, you know what will come at the end of it all. That relaxes you.”
Joeli had heard before that moms will forget all their pain when they see their baby, and though she didn’t believe it before, she knows it to be true now.
“You don’t even know this person, and immediately you love them. Think about when you started dating your spouse, it took you a second before you loved them. But this little person, the first time you see them, you’re just like, ‘Okay, I love you.’ You just do.”
Life with a Newborn and Toddler
Having a baby and a toddler at the same time means that Joeli is constantly juggling. Her husband’s support, she notes, is invaluable. “I’m very independent, but when you’re pregnant or have just given birth, you’re going to need to rely on somebody. Whether it’s a nurse or doctor or your partner, learn to rely on them. If you need something, ask.” She laughed, adding, “I became very needy. Can I have this? Can I have that? And that’s okay.”
Their friends have also provided help to their family in critical ways, too. After Quinn was born, some brought food by, others would hold the children so Joeli could shower. “Something as simple as, ‘Hey, I’ll watch the kids. Go take a walk in the sunshine or take a nap’ was really nice.”
Joeli had thought she’d be able to sleep when her baby slept, but everyday responsibilities would take precedence. Having someone take care of things or help her take care of herself helped.
Having a community she can lean on has kept her from feeling alone. She has a sister-in-law with three sons who she texts with questions like, “Is this normal? Did I do this wrong?” Her sister-in-law often texts back, “No, no, no, chill out. All three of mine did that.” It’s important, she says, to find someone you can talk to.
“Women have a certain pressure to feel a certain way,” she said, “and you need to be able to talk about it. These are tough things. It helps to talk with others and not be embarrassed.”
When she was younger, she’d worry how she was going to mess up as a parent or what her kids would talk to a therapist about one day, but now she knows everyone is figuring out their own way of parenting. Everybody’s trying to find what works for them.
Being a mom, though it’s the hardest job she says she’s ever had, is a source of incredible joy. “I didn’t know I’d be able to be a mom, so pretty much every day I see them, I just think, ‘How am I so happy and so blessed?’”
Photos by Meg Buchanan Photography
